Mama Fiona – Your Stepmom Is A Size Queen May 2026

She took the tape measure from my shaking hand. Unspooled it. Looked me dead in the eye. “Your father,” she said, “is a good man. Kind. Generous. He brings me tea in bed. But he is a pencil . A number two pencil with a broken tip.”

Then she looked up.

On Sunday night, she handed me a new sticky note. mama fiona – your stepmom is a size queen

It said: “You’re a grower, not a shower. But you’re also a goddamn tripod. Go forth and be humble.”

“Well, shit, kid. You’re not in the Goldilocks Zone.” She took the tape measure from my shaking hand

I moved out the next morning. Not because I was scared.

You know how people say, "Be careful what you wish for"? “Your father,” she said, “is a good man

Below that, a sticky note in her handwriting: “Don't settle for less than 7.5x6. Pack a lunch. You'll be there a while.”